...her voice fading, silhouette disappearing, scent dissipating.

My 2nd time already, once in secondary school and now in polytechnic.

It doesn't really help just by telling yourself to think positive, to lessen the expectations; expectations are natural to me, when it comes to such stuffs.

I might perhaps be able to forget this feeling soon, since a month later I'll be having lesser time thinking about such stuffs and constantly guessing my current status. The feeling might just fade off together with time, maybe.

Frankly speaking, I'm quite tired. Tired of guessing, of chasing, of thinking, of looking at pictures only. But somehow, I can't stop myself from it, perhaps my stubbornness or perhaps... something else.

They say once bitten, twice shy. Perhaps I'll never get bitten again.

8th of April was my graduation day.
I was very happy that day, supposedly; my friends, my certifications, my recognition, my facilitators, my sisters, my glory - they were all present, but the most important was missing, and that was Cheryl.
I kept hoping she would be late, because it would definitely be better than her absence. I wanted her to see my on stage, to see my glory and me. I messaged her after that, was concern why she didn't turn up for something this important, something once in a lifetime. The reply I got back was "I have other commitments", and I thought it sounded kind of cold, a little different from the way she would usually reply.

These couple of days were hard to endure. I might smile, but wasn't exactly happy. I was constantly thinking about that reply. Yes, perhaps I was sensitive, but it is all just.. natural when you like someone, and is concerned about how that someone replies, acts, talks, looks at you and so on.

I hope the this actually helps me survive on...

Yes. I'm silly, silly-ly in love with her, and only her. If I have to be silly in order to love her, I'd gladly be.

If you see titles like the above, you know that the following characters usually spell "emo". Click that 'x' icon you see on your top-right if you don't want to join the dark side any sooner.

You've been warned.

2 entries before, I was in cloud nine. I told many people how "ballful" I was, I described to them the same thing over and over again, I exclaimed that "I believe Cheryl zeh zeh".
I did. All of it.
Yesterday morning I met my friend for breakfast. Again I told him that same story. His reaction, was not what I expected; "it's a full-stop dude". Again, I exclaimed "I believe her, more than you".
Then at night, I probably felt what Lucifer felt when he had fallen from grace; I fell from my cloud nine.

"Why?" you must be thinking. Perhaps I was born too stubborn, too meticulous. I'm a man who look at details, however minute they may be. Perhaps the following picture might tell you some story that I can't even articulate to myself.



So? Yes, so? That shouldn't affect me because it means "nothing". Okay, I accept that answer.
Then I went to check, I realized that she un-tagged herself from the photo of us only.
Now we're talking.

I don't know what that all means. All I now know is I actually don't know anything, at all.

I swear I so hate myself, to that phucking rotten core.

Kthnxbai.

Do you know the meaning of "threading on thin line"?
According to Windez, my personal dictionary, it means doing some risky; like playing stock market without cash.

So what's my point?
Heard of IOIs and IODs? Indicator of Interest and Indicator of Disinterest.

I may have confessed, may have showed my "balls". But those mean little now, even though comfortingly it might have been a "big step".
Surely, I cant detect any IOIs. Telling her, what now?
She doesn't want to be involved in a relationship now. Better to be friends.
But surely, I had never treated her as a friend at all. Now, how?
What should I do? Date her? Leave her alone?
I still have so many things unsolved. And I'm totally clueless.

What a pit I've landed in.

Before you continue, you should be informed that this blog is personal and meant to be bias. Therefore, all contents are bias as well.
With that said. Enjoy, even though I don't care.





That's all folks!

PS: I know my "big" smile isn't that nice. But it doesn't really matter right? =P

Technically speaking, the prom was yesterday. But I shall speak as if it just ended.

Great prom,
not so great MC,
passable food.

But all those are not important. The important bits follow.

I finally spilled my guts; sent her home and told her the words I so wanted to in the past.
Even though she said she's not interested in a relationship right now and better to remain friends, I'm fine with it because at least it isn't a rejection.
At least, all my doubts had been cleared.

YES!

I shall state here.
This is what I'm feeling right at this moment:

I don't care what happens/ed between you and him.
I mind what happens/ed between you and him.

With that said, it sure means a lot.

Yes.
I'm extremely lonely now.
Seems to me, no one's ever there when I truly need one.
Now? I'm all alone.

But what is it that I require another's presence?
I don't know. You tell me.
Logging off msn, then still being on facebook. You tell me.

It's vacation. Something I dread, but then again, shouldn't be making much of a difference.

Because it's vacation, I definitely won't see you at all, under any circumstances.
But then, we don't bump into each other even in school, even when our pods are just next to each other, even if we're less than 1 km apart. Fate? I don't know.

"My Sunday's Best!"; your project.
At first when I heard it from you, I felt so excited because I knew I definitely could help you with it, be part of it, be part of you, be with you. At the very least, I thought I would.
Then you told me someone else won the bid, that that someone would help you design the whole site, I felt disappointed. But you had the right to choose, perhaps he's better at it than I am, I believe.

This... this is all that I fear.
I fear that after everything, I would become part of your memory, that memory that would get washed in probably... a few years' time.
We hardly spoke, we even hardly laughed. Between us, there's nothing; absolute vacuum. I know you aren't the type that treats people like tools, but inevitably you are edging to that side already.

I... don't know what to do anymore. I can only look at your facebook... that's all I can... right now.